Emotional Intelligence

This article is about emotional intelligence , or EI , which has arisen out of the belief that:

• human intelligence is made up of different kinds of intelligence
• too much value is placed upon IQ in our schools and workplaces
• social skills are the key to success in life and business.

It examines the following issues

• What is emotional intelligence?
• The origins of the theory
• Five characteristics of EI
• Why is EI important?
• Gender differences
• EI at work
• Feedback
  

What is emotional intelligence?

Exact definitions of emotional intelligence are as various as those writing about the subject. Among the earliest writers about emotional intelligence are John Mayer, a University of New Hampshire psychologist, and Peter Salovey, a psychologist at Yale University. According to them, emotional intelligence “is a type of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use the information to guide one’s thinking and actions” (Mayer & Salovey, 1993).

The most famous writer on the subject, and the author of the bestselling Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ , is Daniel Goleman. He sees the term as a much broader umbrella, encompassing more general issues such as motivation, empathy and self-awareness.

The origins of the theory

It is common to see human intelligence divided into its multiple strands. For example:

• abstract intelligence
• concrete intelligence
• social intelligence.

Abstract intelligence covers understanding and manipulating verbal and mathematical symbols. For example, this will be strong in linguists and mathematicians. Then there is concrete intelligence, which covers understanding and manipulating objects. For example, this will be strong in mechanics and tailors. Finally there is social intelligence, which covers understanding and relating to people. For example, this will be strong in policemen and counsellors.

The theory of social intelligence was developed over 80 years ago. In 1920, EL Thorndike defined social intelligence as “the ability to understand and manage men and women, boys and girls; to act wisely in human relations”. He later described the two intelligences that make up social intelligence:

• inter personal intelligence
• intra personal intelligence.

Inter personal intelligence is an awareness between people: an understanding of how others feel, their motivations and how to get along with them.

Intra personal intelligence is an awareness of oneself: an understanding of how one feels and why. It also involves an understanding of one’s own personality and an ability to use that understanding in everyday life.

The origins of emotional intelligence lie in this theory of social intelligence.

Five characteristics of EI

Goleman identifies the five main characteristics of EI:

• self-awareness
• mood management
• self-motivation
• empathy
• managing relationships.

These five main characteristics build on each other.

Self-awareness allows you to recognise your emotions as they arise. Mayer talks about three different types of people:

self-aware people, who are aware of their feelings and are able to control their moods

engulfed people, who feel overwhelmed by their emotions and are often unaware of them, and so are unable to do anything to change them

accepting people, who are aware of their feelings, but do not do anything to change them. For example, someone who is predominantly happy will have no reason to change their emotions. On the other hand, someone who is clinically depressed and sees no hope will not feel able to change their emotions.

Let’s take the unhappy example of a loved pet dying. A self-aware person will recognise their grief but will try not to dwell on it. They might say, “I feel really sad, but Tiddles had a good life and she wasn’t in pain.” On the other hand, an engulfed person will feel lost in their grief. They might say, “Tiddles is gone! I am so alone! My world is empty and cold.” An accepting person will be aware of their grief but do nothing to change their mood. They might say, “I feel really sad. This world is a cruel place. What is the point of it all?”

So this self-awareness has several layers: you are aware of your mood, aware of how you feel about that mood, and you are able to control and manage your moods.

Mood management allows you to handle your own feelings so they’re relevant to your current situation and so that you react appropriately. Goleman emphasises that “the goal is balance, not emotional suppression: every feeling has its value and significance.” So rather than ignoring your feelings, emotional intelligence will allow you to be aware of your feelings and manage them so that they are expressed in an appropriate and constructive way.

This control is essential to long-term emotional health and stress tolerance. Intense emotions make us unstable and, although it is unhealthy to repress them, it is also unhealthy to dwell on them and prolong the instability.

Returning to our example, let’s imagine that you are going to a friend’s wedding on the day after Tiddles’ burial ceremony. An emotionally intelligent person might manage their mood by allowing themselves to feel sadness at Tiddles’ burial, but the next day trying to put that grief behind them so they can share their friend’s happiness.

Self-motivation enables you to overcome obstacles to move towards your goal. Those obstacles may include apathy, self-doubt, opposition or failure. A large part of self-motivation is hope and optimism. Emotional intelligence enables you to persist by minimising fear or disappointment and concentrating on your goal.

Imagine that you are considering buying a new cat. Part of you feels guilty that you might replace irreplaceable Tiddles, part of you is afraid of becoming attached to a new cat who will eventually leave you in the same way that Tiddles has. An emotionally intelligent person would put that guilt and that fear behind them and focus on the pleasure that they would gain from having a new pet.

Empathy follows on naturally from self-awareness. If you can recognise your own emotions then you are more likely to be good at recognising and understanding other people’s emotions. It is not only about picking up on other people’s verbal indications, but also about interpreting their tone of voice, physical gestures and body language. For more information about non-verbal communication, take a look at the theory paper on Neuro-Linguistic-Programming (NLP) .

Sympathy is recognising and understanding others’ feelings; empathy takes it one step further and is about feeling others’ feelings. Emotional intelligence requires that you understand, feel and then act accordingly. We might call this social responsibility.

Imagine that you are discussing buying a new cat with your partner. Your partner folds their arms and says angrily, “I don’t want to get another cat! What a stupid idea! I’ll just grow to love it and then it will die just like Tiddles.” Emotional intelligence would let you see that your partner is not angry per se, but is still very upset about Tiddles and afraid of being hurt again.

Managing relationships is the next step on from empathy. Once you have put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you can understand what they want and how they feel. This way you are in the best position to create a good relationship with them. Emotional intelligence allows you to handle relationships, resolve arguments and conduct negotiations successfully.

Going back to our example, once you understand that your partner’s anger is in fact a manifestation of their grief and fear, you can use your emotional intelligence to comfort, reassure and remind your partner of how much pleasure they can get out of having a pet.

Why is EI important?

Emotional intelligence is an ability that affects every area of life: from school, to work, to interpersonal relationships. Academic intelligence may bring success in school lessons, but it is no guarantee in the wider world for happiness, success and prosperity.

That is not to deny the relationship between academic intelligence and prosperity. Lots of people with high IQs have well-paid jobs, and lots of people with low IQs have low-paid jobs, but far more important factors for prosperity include self-motivation, interpersonal skills and self-awareness. There are many people in workplaces around the world who are academically intelligent, competent and conscientious, but who lack the social skills necessary to handle their work relationships with success.

In Emotional Intelligence Goleman cites the example of a straight-A student at a Florida high school, who was intent on going to Harvard medical school. He was so obsessed with his aim that when a physics teacher gave him a mere 80% score on a test, he reacted by stabbing his teacher in a psychotic rage. The student claimed that he was so upset because he felt that his goal was jeopardised that he had planned to commit suicide. This is a classic example of someone who is very intelligent academically, but capable of completely irrational behaviour. If we consider the five key characteristics of EI, then the student in question clearly lacks self-awareness, mood management, self-motivation, empathy and skill at managing relationships. This lack of social intelligence will obviously lead to a waste of the student’s other very great talents.

Goleman says, “emotional aptitude is a meta-ability , determining how well we can use whatever other skills we have, including raw intellect.” So without EI, other skills will never operate at their full effectiveness.

Gender differences

Psychologist Steven Stein says that men and women tend to be stronger in certain areas of emotional intelligence. His organisation carried out emotional intelligence tests on 4,500 men and 3,200 women. The findings showed that women have higher empathy and social responsibility, men have higher stress tolerance and self-confidence.

In his book, Goleman compares the playing patterns of boys and girls to see how emotional intelligence differences between the sexes may develop. He quotes Brody and Hall from Gender and Emotion:

“When girls play together, they do so in small intimate groups with an emphasis on minimising hostility and maximising co-operation, while boys’ games are in larger groups, with an emphasis on competition… If a boy who has gotten hurt gets upset, he is expected to get out of the way and stop crying so the game can go on. If the same happens among a group of girls who are playing, the game stops while everyone gathers round to help the girl who is crying… boys take pride in a lone, tough-minded independence and autonomy, while girls see themselves as part of a web of connectedness.”

So in the course of this, girls develop verbal and non-verbal communication skills and become good at expressing themselves and understanding others, which lead to their heightened empathy and social responsibility. Boys become skilled at “minimising emotions having to do with vulnerability, guilt, fear and hurt”, leading to their high stress tolerance and self-confidence.

So men and women have equal emotional intelligence, but strength in different areas.

EI at work

Academic intelligence often plays an important part in getting a job. For example, many job descriptions require particular academic qualifications. However, once you are working in that job, emotional intelligence is vital for success.

Goleman gives the three key functions of emotional intelligence at work:

• giving constructive and helpful remedial feedback
• creating a culture that values diversity
• networking.

Feedback

Feedback should focus on the incident in question, rather than the character of the person who did it. Always keep it impersonal.

Wrong: Saying, “You are careless and you made a stupid mistake” will only be offensive and put the recipient on the defensive. As Goleman writes, “When emotionally upset, people cannot remember, attend, learn or make decisions clearly.” This also suggests that the problem is part of the recipient’s inherent character and therefore less easy to change.

Right: Saying, “That mistake caused quite a few problems” deflects any suggestion of accusation and makes it clear that your issue is with the action and not the person. That way the recipient can distance him or herself from the action at issue, but at the same time make personal efforts to avoid it happening again.

Harry Levinson, a psychoanalyst turned corporate consultant, gives 4 points of advice about giving feedback:

• be specific

• offer a solution

• be present

• be sensitive.

You should be specific about a particular incident and pinpoint exactly what the problem is. Vague and general criticisms can sound like personal opinion on the part of the person giving feedback and like a personal criticism of the recipient. Being specific about a particular event or action shows that there is a genuine foundation for the feedback and focuses the discussion.

Wrong: “You have poor attention to detail and tend to let mistakes slip through the net.”

Right: “When you sent that letter out yesterday, it had several spelling errors in it.”

Then you should offer a solution by showing how the incident could be avoided or handled better. There is no point asking someone to improve their performance if you can’t give a suggestion of how they can do it. Having first looked at the problem, you need to make the conversation more positive by looking at how the problem could be overcome successfully.

Wrong: “Your spelling is terrible.”

Right: “You should use the spellchecker function on your PC for all letters that you send out.”

When giving your feedback, you should be present . By making sure that you do it in person, rather than in by e-mail, memo or phone call, you lend weight to your feedback and show respect to the recipient. Also, if you are having a face-to-face meeting the recipient is able to respond to the feedback and ask any questions.

Wrong: “Dear Mr Smith…. Come and see me if you have any questions. Best regards….”

Right: “Hello, James. Have you got a minute? I wanted to ask you about something.”

Throughout you should be sensitive to what it must be like to receive feedback. Everyone has past experience of receiving good and bad feedback, so think about your own experiences. Use empathy to think about how best to frame your feedback and anticipate how the recipient might react.

Wrong: “You need to pull your socks up. This really isn’t good enough, is it?”

Right: “Using the spellchecker will sort out that issue. Let me know if you have any problems with it.”

Diversity must be not only accepted, but also valued. There must be emotional intelligence for a group to have social harmony. Empathy allows us to value and have respect for one another. From there we can communicate, manage relationships and work together more productively.

Any group that is segregated by prejudice, suspicion or bias will find that those segregations act as obstacles to high performance. Co-operation and understanding is the meta-ability that enables a group to employ all their other skills most effectively. A meta-ability is a high level ability that enables you to use other abilities.

Networking is about more than just getting on with people. According to Goleman, there are 3 varieties of informal networks in the office:

• communications network, which covers who talks to whom

• expertise network, which covers whose advice or expertise is sought

• trust network, which covers who can be trusted with confidential information.

Good work relationships rely on all three being in place. If one is missing, or lacking, it is likely to impact on a team’s effectiveness.

Summary

The central characteristics of EI, self-awareness, mood management, self-motivation, empathy and managing relationships, are all key to smooth running social networks. Emotional intelligence plays a vital role in the success of both our personal relationships and our work lives. Therefore, advocates of EI argue that the focus in schools and workplaces should incorporate the various skills of emotional intelligence.

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