nic-oliver.com » Personal development

Denial will Always Hamper Your Personal Development

nic — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 06:40:49 +0000

Many people believe that if they are “spiritual” or wish to succeed in life, they should ignore unpleasant things that happen to them, in effect denying that they have happened and/or have had an effect on them. But it will have the opposite effect, hampering personal development and growth.

Yet denial is not a good idea: it is usually a crippling condition, although when faced with an enormous crisis, it is a useful short-term response. Longer term, burying your head in the sand like the proverbial ostrich is not a good idea. The issue being ignored has a habit of creeping up behind the ostrich and kicking it in the backside!

Perhaps there is another element to this: I’m not really bothered whether things happen by “fate”, “karma” or whether “shit happens”. What’s important to me is, once I’ve dealt with the immediate effects of the happening, what can I learn from it?

For example my mum died when I was 17 – someone told me at the time “it’s God’s will, all is ok!” If he hadn’t been a lot bigger than me, I’d have punched him – discretion is important, and timing is an important part of discretion! Over the years, I’ve come to realise that I’ve learned a lot from her death (and from the guy’s response).

Some of it is indeed about discretion and timing. Another part of it is discernment, learning who to listen to and who to smile sweetly at and move on. Yet another part is understanding that having coped with her death, I can cope with the death of others close to me when they happe.

I’ve also learned that gurus, while a valuable part of Eastern culture, are usually incompatible with my Western upbringing.

Just as crippling as denial was finding myself sometimes in “victim” mode. So many people walk about in a “poor me” state, which is just as unhealthy as denial or as playing the blame game, refusing to accept responsibility for one’s actions/life.

Perhaps one of the keys is in the word “responsibility”. Not in the usual sense of taking the blame but in its original form – response & able; your ability to respond to situations.

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The Dutch Soccer Team and Personal Development

nic — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 07:44:17 +0000

Many people are holding their personal development up by ignoring an important step – accepting repsosibility for their actions.A great example of this has been the reaction of the Dutch to their loss in the World Cup final on Sunday. As a nation, they have a legacy of playing inspirational, total football. But someone took the decision that this would not work against Spain so they took a different approach. They were brutal, frequently on the wrong side of the line that separates aggressive from illegal. Because the referee stopped them, they have turned on him as the reason for their loss. The Dutch players, management team an press all blame the referee, Howard Webb, for their loss. Yet an objective analysis showed that far from being at fault, Webb gotwell over 80% of his decisions right.

The only Dutchman to openly criticise his country’s approach is Johan Cruyff who in fact blamed Webb for being too lenient, pointing out that Holland could, and prehaps should, have been down to 9 players by half time. As a side issue, if Webb had done that, people would have criticised him for ruining the final!

Instead of blaming others, the Dutch players and managers should take a long hard look at themselves and accept responsibility for their decision to play as they did, and for the consequences.

It is easy when we are under pressure to perform, to blame others if we fail. For the Dutch football team, there is no greater pressure than playing in a final. They could turn themselves into admirable role models if they were to take a deep breath, admit that they were wrong and accept responsibility for the consequences.

Of course,equally dangerous are those people who accept responsibility for everything, not realising when it’s just not “their stuff”.

If you look at the word “responsibility”, you can break it down into” response” and “ability”… the ability to respond. If something isn’t working, someone involved has to have the ability to respond and to try something else. If instead you do more of what isn’t working, you get more failure.

Shame nobody from the Dutch side realised that on Sunday!

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Spirituality in the workplace and the need for love

nic — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 20:53:17 +0000

I had a conversation recently with a young man who I know has strong spiritual values. He told me he had been advised to keep his spirituality out of his work as it would put people off. The guy is not a fanatic, “shouting from the roof tops” type; rather, he is quiet, devoted to his wife and his children, and he’s not likely to try to force his views on anyone.

This got me thinking: is it better to be true to yourself or should you repress an important part of your life so as not to risk causing offence? How responsible am I for what others think of me?

Referring back to the issue raised in the first paragraph, are spiritual values appropriate for the workplace? I’m not talking about open, fervent displays of religious belief – there’s a clear distinction for me between spirituality and religion.

The spiritual core underpinning all religions is the same: unconditional love of God, self and others and gratitude for life and the planet we live on. Different religions have built infrastructures on top of those beliefs, infrastructures and dogma that often serve to protect the position of the religion’s hierarchy. Often the layers of dogma bury the simple spiritual core. Many wars have been fought in the name of religion – I’m not aware of any that have been fought over these core spiritual values.

Just looking at love – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

It’s a no-brainer for me that the world would be a far better place if people lived up to this vision of love. It’s equally a no-brainer that the behaviours emanating from this vision are just as appropriate in the workplace as elsewhere.

Another question – why do men find it so difficult to speak of love? Many of us grew up with fathers who found it difficult to express love so don’t have a role model, so that may be one reason. Others live or have lived in an environment where love is cheapened into a purely physical thing. Guys, do you find it easy to tell your partner and your children that you love them? One thing is certain – if you mean it, they want to hear it!

What do you believe? Is it ok to express spiritual values in the workplace? Or to put it another way, how openly should we express those values in the workplace?

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I’m Back!

nic — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 15:19:59 +0000

I’ve just taken a couple of weeks away from Social Media. In part this was dictated by a manic workload and in part to see how I felt about it all. I believe that one of the keys to personal development and growth is to listen to your heart, and I had picked up that something was not quite right, so a break was a useful way to sort out my thoughts.

I have to say that I missed Twitter, which was a surprise to me. I missed the engaging and sharing with existing followers and those I follow and missed making contact with new people.

I have mixed feelings about blogging; I realised that forcing myself to post 3 times a week was becoming a burden – I have a day job and a marriage that are important to me. I discovered that I was doing it to conform to the expectation of others, rather than because I really wanted to. So I’ve thought and meditated about it and decided to post “at least once a week”. When the mood takes me, and I have the time, it may be more.

This will also allow me to focus on quality rather than just feeling that I have to churn out words. So, beginning next week, I will post once a week and see how it goes.

As to the two networks of which I’m a member – I missed ecademy but not LinkedIn, but that’s not really a surprise to me.

Have a great weekend folks

Nic

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A Social Media Sabbatical – Could you do it?

nic — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 19:19:02 +0000

Have you ever thought about taking a social media sabbatical? What would you do with the time you would free up if you were to take time out?

I am seriously thinking about taking a week off from all internet interaction except to answer emails to clients (I have little choice, being self-employed). I’m intrigued about the possibilities; I could spend the time I use on-line on reading, writing, meditation and personal development.

The internet and social networking take up a fair amount of my time, time I could use productively elsewhere. I know it sounds crazy, having worked hard to build this blog but I’m curious to revert, albeit temporarily, to an existence that is free of social media and non-client e-mail.

Has anyone else tried it recently, and if so, with what results?

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Social Media and Personal Effectiveness -12 Writing Tips

nic — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 09:33:56 +0000

When you sit down to write an article, what are the key things you keep in mind? Carrying on from the article on Social Media – Building Successful Relationships, I want to show those who are afraid of writing on-line, that the skills of effective writing are the same whatever the media. Another demonstration that on-line and off-line are not two different worlds – the first is just an extension of the second.

Think about your audience – Many years ago I was given a great bit of advice: don’t think about what you want to write, think about what the audience needs to read in order for you to meet your objective.
Plan – It’s so tempting to just open up the word processor and start writing but even with short pieces, it’s better to spend a few minutes planning. Decide on your objective and list the points you must cover in order to meet that objective. In a longer piece, you can expand the list to include those things you should cover (less important than the musts), and those you could (the anecdotes etc that give colour to the piece).
Use short sentences and everyday words– Expertise is not demonstrated by using long, complicated sentences. Rather, short sentences using everday words to decribe complex issues in simple ways is the hallmark of a true expert.
Avoid the passive – Keep to the structure subject, verb, object unless you are using the passive to create surprise. If I write “At the end of the conference the President was interviewed by a school girl”, this creates surprise because of the unusual end to the sentence. Writing “A school girl interviewed the President at the end of the conference” loses the surprise element.
Write from your heart – people often tell me that they’d love to write a blog but aren’t good at writing. If you write from your heart, with honesty, sincerity and passion, people will forgive you the occasional grammatical error.
Be careful with superlatives – they are overused and often unnecessary. An occasional superlative is acceptable, peppering your piece with them is not.
Make impact at the start – this will entice people into wanting to read more. If you can’t think of a way to do it, beginning by asking the readers a question is often a good tactic as it draws them into your piece.
Be Direct – People often write as if they are trying to emulate Sir Humphrey in “Yes Minister”. Don’t pad out your sentences, it casts doubt in the readers’ minds. Being direct also adds impact to your work.
Check your Spelling – readers know that writing software comes with spellchecking, so use it or you will lose credibility.
Use examples the readers can relate to – it’s usually more elegant to use examples than to attempt to write something that is theoretical.
Edit your work – when editing, keep the ABC of effective writing in mind; accuracy, brevity and clarity. Cut out unnecessary words, go though the piece again, and cut again!

And the most important rule:

12. Never, Never, Never be boring!

What tips would you add to this list?

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Is the Easter Message Practical at a Personal Level?

nic — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 12:55:33 +0000

It’s that time of years when those people in Christian countries who believe in the Christ of the Gospels celebrate the sacrifice of his death and resurrection; the rest of the population get a long weekend!

Like most of the spiritual greats, Christ’s message was a spiritual message about unconditional love; love of God, of self, and of others. Whether you believe in him as a historical figure or as an allegory, or a mixture of both, his life was an example of service leadership and of sacrificial love.

Not love of a selfish, “I’ll love you if you love me” type. But love that has been written of in the following terms:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” A far cry from how love is often portrayed today.

When I look at the behaviours of the banking fraternity, of the Members of parliament over their expenses, and of the general consumerism and greed of the last 30 years I wonder:

Is his message relevant today?
Is it possible to run a business based on spiritual (as opposed to religious) principles?
Is servant leadership possible or a pipe-dream?

What do you think?

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Another 10 Things I Wish I Had Known And Stuck To From Early On

nic — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 08:00:15 +0000

A while back I wrote a post called 10 Things I Wish I Had Known And Stuck To From Early On. Here’s another ten things I’ve learned, occasionally quickly, more often only after repeatedly banging my head against a brick wall!

1. Be your spouse’s best friend
2. Complain less and listen more
3. Don’t make a drama out of a difficulty
4. Move on from a conflict that can’t be won
5. Allow yourself and others to make mistakes
6. Make your love for truth stronger than your need to be right
7. Everyone’s perception is their reality and you can’t change another person’s perception
8. Ask yourself what did you once love to do that you are not doing now? What’s stopping you from taking it up again?
9. Your three greatest treasures are simplicity, patience and compassion
10. Be quick to offer a healing touch or a healing word

What would you add?

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Do It Now!

nic — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 07:45:33 +0000

Smile at someone - do it now!

How often have you said “I wish I had done that, but I didn’t have the time?” I’ve certainly done it and wrote at length about some of the lessons I’d learned about this in the article 10 Things I Wish I Had Known And Stuck To From Early On. Here are 14 tips to help you to put an end to procrastination.

Have you told that special person lately that you love them? If not, do it now!

Have you set aside quality time for yourself so you can address those issues that are holding you back but are personal? Development requires action, do it now!

Have you given a smile to that stranger who looks sad? If not, do it now!

Have you done something to make the world a better place today? If not, do it now!

Have you organised a special surprise for that special person? If not, do it now!

Have you said a kind word today to your colleague with the low self-esteem? If not, do it now!

Have you said a prayer for your sick friend? If not, do it now!

Have you made a phone call to someone you know is lonely? If not, do it now!

Are you sitting on the couch, hoping everything will turn out right? Take action, do it now!

Are you hiding behind self-limiting fears? Face your fears and do it now!

Have you given a hug to someone that needs one? If not, do it now!

Have you exercised today? If not, do it now!

Have you done something today to nourish the key relationships in your life? If not, do it now!

“But I don’t have time!” Stop procrastinating. Do it now!

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Personal Growth the Benjamin Franklin Way!

nic — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 08:30:48 +0000

All too often, when coaching clients or just generally chatting with people about their personal growth and development, they tell me that they’re unhappy with certain aspects of their personality. When I ask them what’s stopping them from changing, they say things like “I was born this way”, “It’s just who I am”, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”, “I’m too old to change” etc..

The good news for anyone wanting to change is that all of these excuses are just, well, excuses! Neural plasticity means that our brains are able to create new neural pathways no matter what our age! Which means that you can change any aspect of your personality that you don’t like. And it means that age is no barrier to personal growth.

So, let’s look at personal growth the Benjamin Franklin way. In his autobiography, he tells how he decided that he wanted to change some aspects of his personality so embarked on a bit of personal growth. He detailed 13 qualities that he wanted to develop in himself and in a little book, he set aside a page for each of these qualities and journaled the progress he made in his personal growth.

He realised that to try to develop them all at once would be futile so he decided to devote a week to each one; when, after 13 weeks, he had got through all 13, he began again. In a year, that meant he went focused on each aspect 4 times.

His approach encapsulates for me a very sensible approach to personal development: analyse yourself, find the change(s) you want to make, be realistic in how much change you can make in one go, journal your progress and be patient. Franklin’s results? People around him were amazed at the changes he made in himself.

I searched the internet for lists of qualities people admire in others, and from what I found, composed the following. In no particular order:

Honesty
Selflessness
Passion
Good Listener
Hard Working
Close With Family
Love
Humor
Humility
Dignity in Face of Adversity
Sense of Play and Fun
Patience

What qualities do you admire in others and would you like to change in you?

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